Online Dating: Tales from a Single Mom

In an attempt to get over my Yummy friend, some of my gals tried to convince me to update my online dating profile and actively look for dates. (Why is it that people think you need to start dating someone new in order to get over someone old? I like to take my time to heal. But I digress...) After a few weeks of blowing them off, I agreed to it. I updated the profile to reflect that I'm the perfect combo of "sweet" and "badass" (thanks to being born and raised in BK).

The first guy that I decided was worth my time (let's just call him "Bachelor #1") was cute and seemed funny and interesting... at first. We spoke all but four times before he decided to get all cray cray on me. Not only did dude tell me that I "make him feel like he's in heaven" (*rolls eyes*), but he also called me his girlfriend and insisted on coming over to my house! (Umm... it's not gonna be that easy for you to get laid, man.) Naturally, a sista had to give it to him straight. Cue Big Pun: "I don't know you, man!" I told him that I thought he was cool at first, but then started to come on too strong, so I was going to fall back (like, all the way back.)

The second guy, "Bachelor #2," was sweet and nice. But... he spelled like he didn't finish the fifth grade. (I'm not kidding!) So, yeah... that was never going to work out. The only problem was, dude just didn't "get it" when I blatantly told him that I was no longer interested. He kept insisting that I give him my phone number so we can "cuntingue dis convo ova textin." (Umm... what part of "no" don't you understand?!) My girls, L, T (the one who lives in Miami), and I now refer to him as "Mr. Thirst."

Bachelor #3 reached out to me a few days later. He appeared to be a good catch -- he looked good in his picture, he was a good speller and his grammar was on point, and seemed like a hardworking dude. That's why I let his initial message of, "I'm sure you get hundreds of these messages a day, but I think I'm worth your time..." slide. (I do get lots of those messages. And they annoy me.) He and I started talking and seemed to take a liking to each other rather quickly.

At some point we decided to try to meet up in person. (That's the only way you can tell if you really like someone anyway, right? Offline?) He's a lawyer and works long hours at the office, and I'm really busy with motherhood, work, and freelancing. So our schedules just wasn't  matching up. We'd plan dates and one of us would have to cancel at the last minute for one reason or another. This went on for like a month, and eventually I was going to give up. (Setting up a first date shouldn't be this hard, right?) But Miami T said I should give it a go. "You really want me to get over Yummy, don't you?" was my response to her.

Finally all the stars aligned and we were both free on the same night. And there were no cancellations. Score! It was a month in the making and the anticipation was making me feel really excited. We met up at this swanky bar in Midtown Manhattan where the music was good and the drinks were better. Still, I made the decision to sit at the bar just in case it turned out to be a total bust and I'd have to make an excuse to get the heck outta there. (I'm just saying...)

The date? How can I put this nicely? This guy... was a snob and a half! Ugh! Within ten minutes of sitting down at the bar, dude tells me that not only does he make $200K/year, but that in five years, he wants to make $500K/year. (Ummm... strike 1. No one cares how much money you make -- it's a first date, not a marriage.)

Within thirty minutes of sitting at the bar, dude starts telling me how much he loves girls in short skirts because he's a "legs man." (Ummm... strike 2. Not only is that more than a little offensive because I was wearing a skirt above my knee, but it was also more than a little creepy. Eek!)

Before the hour was up, dude managed to tell me that he must not be as smart as me because I went to Columbia for undergrad and grad school, and he went to Duke for undergrad and NYU for law school. (Ummm... strike 3. Duke and NYU are both good schools and he should take pride in where he went to school! Dude obviously has insecurity issues or something like that.)

By the end of the date, I was laughing at him and not with him. At that point, I could see why some people date online -- because they're awkward, and dating offline must be really hard for them. When the waiter brought us the check, dude pulled out a wad of cash (even though he only had two drinks and I had one cocktail). He also made it a point to show me the hundred dollar bill in his wallet. (FYI: that doesn't impress me. Pulling out a Black card, however, might do the trick.)

As we were walking out of the bar, he exclaimed, "Maybe we should go bowling next time!" (Ummm... there's not gonna be a "next time," buddy.)

I know that I resolved to go out with different types of guys this year, but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Sigh. I guess it's back to the drawing board... for now.