Motherhood, Part Two

If you've been keeping up with Mommy Delicious on Instagram, then you may already know that yesterday I shared some pretty exciting news!

Baby Delicious is on the way and will be here December 2015!

I remember when I was pregnant with Aiden. I remember being in a constant state of shock and denial and how-on-Earth-did-I-get-here that I was mostly doing things on auto-pilot. And because I know I needed to do them for the health of my baby.

I remember feeling so scared and unsure of the future and overwhelmed and judged. And sometimes paralyzed.

But it's been really different, this pregnancy. Maybe it's because I'm in my thirties now or because I've reached a more secure place in my career or maybe because Im a little more self-confident... I'm not quite sure. But I like this feeling. I like knowing what I want this pregnancy. I like being able to confidently say what I want and to do things on my timeline. It feels good.

We're happy, HEB and I. And we're excited to begin the process of blending our families together and all that jazz.

It's like Motherhood part two. And it's such a blessing.

Making It Work, This Single Parent Thing

Raising a reader! Reading while I bang things out on a conference call.

I remember the first time that I had to make a game-time decision about childcare – or lack thereof – for Aiden. I was in graduate school and the time of my class had to be switch rather suddenly. At the 11^th hour, I had to make a decision – skip class, bring my two-and-a-half year old toddler to class with me, or leave my two-and-a-half year old toddler alone. By himself. Without supervision.

I decided to bring him to class with me. I got the side-eye from a couple of my classmates, but hey, as a young, single mom, I had to do what I had to do.

That was the first time I had a childcare emergency, but it most definitely wasn’t the last time.

His first week of first grade... before after school programs started up. 

There are times when I have to bring Aiden to blogger events knowing very well that he’ll be the only kid at said event. Heck, just a few weeks ago, Aiden tagged along with me when I went to the Disney Social Media Moms On-The-Road conference. He read and watched Michael Jackson videos and played Minecraft. I engaged in the conference.

There are times when I have to bring Aiden with me to things that’ll potentially be boring for him. Like a bridesmaids fitting for my friend M’s upcoming wedding. Or lunch with a girlfriend. Or a dinner party at a friend’s house.

There are times – countless times – when I have to bring Aiden to work with me. Luckily I work for a kid-friendly organization and my supervisor understands my struggle as a single parent and, quite frankly and quite honestly, I’ve gotten to a point in my career where I can call some shots.

But that’s not the case for everyone.

Daily ritual -- reading and sleeping under my desk.

Not like the Texas mom, Laura Browder, who has recently been receiving media attention for leaving her two children at a food court in the mall while she went on a job interview. From my understanding, she had a childcare emergency when she received a sudden call for a job interview and couldn’t find someone to babysit her children on such short notice. She fed her two children McDonald’s and sat them down at the food court in the mall while she went on her interview – also at the food court in the mall and within a clear view of her children (again, from my understanding). Someone saw the two children sitting alone and called the police.

Now, I get it. You see two young children eating alone for an extended period of time, you’re worried about their safety, you call the folks who are supposed to protect these little ones. I totally get it.

But it still saddens me. Because now child protective services are involved in this family’s life and this single mother is viewed as “that lady who abandoned her children.” And I know what it’s like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place as a struggling single mom. Heck, I’m gainfully employed with a great career and a great side hustle, but I still struggle with childcare on short notice. Quite frankly, it’s very, very expensive and not always in my single mom monthly budget.

I can’t say how I would have reacted in this situation if I were the one who saw the children sitting alone. Probably stand close enough to see if/when their grown-up would come, but far away enough so as not to scare them. Probably ask them where their grown-up is, as I usually do when I see children who look like they’re alone.

But call the police? It’s never even been a thought in my mind since a situation like this could be so traumatizing for young children.

I don’t know that I have the solution to this problem. I do know that I’ve been fortunate enough and on the side of privilege enough to bring my child along with me whenever I’ve had a childcare emergency. I’ve been able to bring him to grad school, blogger events, outings with friends (when appropriate), and work. And it’s been able to make all the difference in making it work, this single mom thing. 

Don't Dismiss Your Gifts

This summer, I'm once again teaching a graduate school course as an Adjunct Professor. I've been getting pretty good feedback from the folks in my department and the students about how the course has been going.

That's a good thing, right?

Except that it's been making me feel very uncomfortable to embrace the positive feedback.

Whenever someone tells me something good about the way that I'm running the class, my response has been, "Yeah, but I really need to work on _______ [insert the one thing that I think is going wrong here]."

Sigh.

Last week, work started back for me. As in, my day job. As in, all the school leaders and administrators for my network are now back at work, planning professional development sessions for when our teachers return and thinking of our vision for the 2015-2016 school.

(Yes, it's only July. Yes, school doesn't start till another five weeks. Yes, I'm not too happy about being back at work so soon.)

During our planning sessions, I've been receiving pretty good feedback and shout-outs from people about how well I do my job/lead my school.

That's a good thing, right?

Except that it's also making me feel very uncomfortable to embrace the positive feedback. I literally clench up, stare at them in this nervous way, and try to spread an awkward smile on my face. It's the weirdest thing ever. (Or is it?!)

I mean, I know I try to do a good job at work. I'm pretty competent in my position. And I always push to keep learning and growing.

But why am I so uncomfortable with positive recognition? (Except for when it comes to my mid-year or end-of-year bonus. Then I'm all for the recognition. And extra cash. #JustSaying)

But I know it's not only me. So many of us are reluctant to embrace positive recognition or embrace what we bring to the proverbial table. But why?

Here's the thing: what we bring to the table are our unique gifts. They're exactly what makes us... us. And, more often than not, it's exactly what's needed at the moment.

So... note to self and everyone else: don't diss or dismiss your gifts. You've got a lot to offer so share it with the world. Don't clench up when your gifts and hard work and what makes you you are acknowledged. Embrace it. With all that you've got. And then some.

People are waiting to hear from you.

Travel With Kids: Virginia Beach

Beach. Pool. Amusement Park. Arcade. Repeat.

That's exactly what Aiden and I did when we took our vacation to Virginia Beach a few weeks ago. And it was glorious.

Last summer, we didn't get a chance to get out of town. Between working it on my day job as a school leader, adjunct professor-ing during the summer and fall semesters, and every thing else that I need to get done, I just couldn't swing it. Aiden was totally cool with it because I still made sure that he had a lot of cool things to do right here in NYC. And he did.

But, by the time the first month of the 2014-2015 school year rolled round, I knew that I needed to plan a few trips out of town in order to relax, rejuvenate, and refocus. And visiting Virginia Beach for five days was the perfect way to do that.

Where to Stay:
We stayed at the Alamar Resort Inn, which was two blocks away from the beach, across the street from the amusement park, and two blocks to where all the action and excitement is. It was close enough to everything so that we could walk, but still quiet and calm at night when we wanted to sleep in peace.

There are tons of hotels right along the beach and boardwalk, but I liked the idea of being away from all the action at night. (After all, once you hit 30 years old, you want to sleep at night. #ImJustSaying) I was also looking for something that was moderately priced, family-oriented (for when Aiden wanted to play in the pool for hours on end), and offered complimentary breakfast. The Alamar Resort Inn checked all those boxes for me.

The room, which was a bit dated, was clean and spacious. It featured two double beds, a full bathroom, a living room area, and a full-sized refrigerator. There was market nearby so Aiden and I stocked up on groceries and snacks for the week, which saved a bit of money.

What to Do: 
It seemed that every morning, Aiden and I had one thing on our agenda: eat the free breakfast and then head to the beach for a few hours. It was 90-plus degrees and the ocean water felt really, really good. (When I wasn't in the ocean, I was sitting under an umbrella reading a book. Amazing!)

If you're not as into the beach -- or you've had enough of it (I don't even know how that would be possible) -- you can walk along the strip, where there are tons of things to do. From the Fun House to the Haunted House to the Indoor Arcade (read: air conditioning) to the Mirror Maze to Miniature Golf to fishing, if you're staying for a few days, you will surely be entertained!

We spent time in the Fun House and the Indoor Arcade, which was a nice escape from the Virginia heat.

There are also many shops, restaurants, and a few bars for your picking and choosing. But don't talk to strangers! I made the mistake of entertaining a conversation with an older man and he followed Aiden and me into a restaurant as we were about to eat lunch! Creepy! Then he proceeded to demand that we eat with him. Um... no! Of course I gave him the side-eye and was all like, "I don't know you mannn! Go that way!" (That was a Big Pun reference.)

A little Fun House action!

Don't forget to have ice cream for dinner one day. With lots of different toppings. Because, vacation.

Getting Around: 
Unless you're staying far away from the beach (but, like, why would you do that?!) or you're going to see something that's far away from the beach (but, again, why would you do that?!), walk. Seriously. You can walk up and down the boardwalk or up and down the strip in order to get to pretty much anything.

If your feet get tired, take a ride on the cute little trolly or rent a bike. It's a lot of fun, and if you're traveling with kids, they'll love it.

#AandA #BlessedDuo

Aiden would have totally been okay with hanging out in a hotel with a pool in it or doing something fun right here in NYC, but I'm really glad we got to get out of the city for a few days and just... be.

No schedules, no timeline, no pressure. It was a great reminder of how much fun we could have together when it's just us.

I can't wait for our next adventure!

On Exhaling. Finally.

For the past ten months or so I've been waking up around 3am every night and finding myself unable to fall back asleep. I had a lot on my brain. Aiden's other parent resurfaced and, although I got a temporary restraining order, things started to turn upside down as we went through the family court system, him seeking an equal visitation schedule and me seeking a way to keep Aiden's life as normal, safe, and intact as possible.

I had a lot on my brain. And I worried.

I worried about his motives for wanting to visit with Aiden, I worried about Aiden's reaction to the visits, and, most importantly, I worried about Aiden's safety during the visits.

I got an attorney who specializes in the family court system and works with victims of domestic violence. She's been knowledgable, caring, and downright kick-ass throughout the entire process, but one the first things she advised me to do -- or not do -- was blog. At least while my case was still in litigation. Her reasoning was that I wouldn't want Aiden's other parent to potentially find my blog and attempt to use it as ammunition against me while we were in court.

It was hard to take that advice. Very hard. Because this place and space has become an outlet for the trials and triumphs and growing pains of single motherhood. This community -- and letting it all out -- has been my saving grace in so many ways.

I've written so many posts over the past ten months. But as I went to hit the "publish" button, all I kept thinking was that he could potentially use any topic against me if he were desperate enough. If I wrote about my relationship with HEB, he could use it to say I'm exposing Aiden to the men I date. If I wrote about the growing pains of single motherhood, he could say that I'm stressed and overwhelmed. (Newsflash: Any parent who is doing this thing "right" would totally be overwhelmed and stressed at one point or another. Comes with the territory.) If I wrote about personal style or fashion or events around the city, it could be perceived as though I'm exploiting Aiden for page views.

Any topic had the potential of being misconstrued. So, for the most part, I've stayed silent.

It was especially hard for me to feel like he was taking yet another thing away from me. But I built this blog up and I knew that I could rebuild it if necessary. A small price to pay for Aiden's life and wellbeing.

I like to think of myself as a warrior and not so much of a worrier. I tend not to dwell on things that much. Instead I pray about it, put it into perspective, and let it go.

But not this time. Not by a long shot.

Instead I'd wake up at 3am and think about the ifs, ands, or buts of the situation. My mind would race to the worst case scenario and I'd try to think about how I'd respond to it... if it were to actually happen. I tried to fall back asleep to no avail. I tried walking it out or working out whenever I felt my anxiety starting to rise, but to no avail.

It's hard to stay calm, cool, and collected when it comes to the well-being of your child.

Very hard.

But I stayed the course. I met with my lawyer in between court dates to strategize, discuss next steps, vent, and cry it out. I took off of work as often as necessary in order to make it to all of my court dates. I provided the court with all the documentations that they requested in a timely manner. I took Aiden out of his extracurricular activities to make sure that he was on time to all of his scheduled supervised visits -- even if his other parent didn't show up. I kept Aiden's appointments whenever he had to meet with his attorney. (Yes, children are given lawyers when it comes to situations like this.) I didn't coach Aiden on what to say before any of his meetings with his lawyer or case worker.

But, most importantly, I stuck to what I believed in and what I believed was right for Aiden. Even when I felt like giving up. Even when I felt like throwing in the towel.

I fought.

Hard.

For Aiden's best interest.

A few nights ago, I woke up around 3:30 in the morning and I cried. (Sobbed, really.) But this time it was to cry tears of joy. And tears of I-can't-believe-I-was-strong-enough-and-patient-enough-to-see-this-thing-through. I hadn't cried like that since I first sat down with my lawyer's intake coordinator to tell my story. I'm sure somewhere in my file reads "hot mess express."

But last week, everything changed as the case was settled. I was awarded with sole physical and legal custody of Aiden, Aiden and I were I were granted a permanent restraining order, and, in an attempt to keep Aiden's life as intact -- and safe! -- as possible, Aiden's visitation schedule with him will be limited.

I really couldn't have asked for a better turnout. Someone must've been praying for me. For us. And God really made this entire situation work out in Aiden's favor. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Onward.