I'm Still Trying

I've been kind of in a weird space lately. . Maybe you'd even call it a funk. But it's been consuming my thoughts and invading my head space. Especially at night when I should be sleeping.

But I'm still trying.

I'm getting up out of bed every morning, getting myself ready for work, waking Aiden up so he can get ready for school, packing his lunch, and leaving "you can do it!" pep talk notes in his lunch box.

I'm so over my morning commute where I have to get Aiden to school and zip back downtown to get to work. I know, I know... it's only September. But I'm exhausted.

But I'm still trying.

I do it every morning. With a smile on my face. And I take solace in the fact that I get to read to him during that time and we can talk about funny stories and school and books.

By night, I'm so tired from the long day at work and the commute home that I just want to chill out on the couch and rest.

But I'm still trying.

Both kids always eat a warm dinner (whether it's take-out or not is a different story.) Aiden gets help with his homework, August gets played with on the floor, both kids get a bath. Aiden gets a half hour of "mommy and me" time after I put August to bed, and we both love it. When it's his bedtime, Aiden gets tucked in and we say our prayers and we talk about plans for tomorrow.

I'm trying.

I'm tired, but I'm trying.

I'm doing the work. I'm in the trenches. I'm falling and failing and making mistakes... but I'm still trying. I'm remembering to not be so hard on myself and to extend grace to myself from time to time.

I repeat certain things to myself over and over again: August is only nine months. You've never been a mother of two before. You've only been doing this for nine months. You're still figuring things out. Things aren't perfect and that's okay because... you're trying. Still. 

I know that this feeling won't last forever, that this too shall pass. I know that this has an expiration date, that I'll overcome this too.

But, in the mean time, all I can do... is try.