That Time I Reached My Breaking Point

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Me: Remember [redacted]?

Aiden: August's old nanny? Yeah.

Me: Starting tomorrow, she’ll be taking you to school and picking you up.

Aiden: But… why?

Me: Because... it was stressing me out running all over the place trying to get you to school, pick you up, pick August up, and then get you to football practice. I was very tired and sad by the end of the day. And I don’t want to be anymore. So I hired [redacted] back to help out. I’m sad that we won’t have that train ride together anymore, but it’s just something that I need to do.

Aiden: Okay.

That was a conversation that I had with Aiden a couple weeks ago. Up until then, my days were spent running around from one place to the next, trying to keep it all together… and failing. Miserably.

Up until then, my days would go something like this:

I wake up, check the time. Shucks, it’s 5:30am already. Ugh! I just went to bed! Snooze for a few minutes. Convince myself to get out of bed. Get the kids’ lunches together. (I know Aiden can pack his own, but no sense in both of us being miserable. He might as well sleep in a little longer.) Wake Aiden up. He groans and grunts. Can’t blame the kid – I feel the same way! A few moments later, we’re out the door, heading to the subway. I read to Aiden while on the train. It’s our thing and it’s our time. Get Aiden to school. Hugs, kisses, and lots of you-can-do-it pep talks. Dash on the train to get to Harlem in time for work.

Whew!

I’m already wiped out, but it’s only 7:20 in the morning. But I push through. I attempt to boss-it-up and not act as crappy as I feel. Glance at the clock. It’s 1pm already. I gotta get someone to pick Aiden up from school. Text all the parent friends that I know. Can anyone pick Aiden up for me today? Afterschool hasn’t started yet and I’m at work. I’ll owe you big time! Pray for a response. Let out a sigh of relief when I get a “yes” from his BFF’s mom. Dash over to Aiden’s BFF’s house after work to pick him up.

With Aiden, dash back down to Brooklyn to pick August up from daycare before the cut-off time. Miss the cut-off time. Crap. I hate all the things right about now. Vow to pay the $25 late fee by tomorrow – and be on time! (I’ll pay the fee, but can’t really guarantee that I’ll be on time. #Shrugs) Glance at my phone. Crap! We’re late for football practice. Take the bus over to the football field and get Aiden changed into his football gear while at the field. #DontJudgeMe #ItsBeenALongDay #AndItAintOverYet

Head over to a nearby restaurant to try to find August something relatively healthy for dinner. Sit for the first time in hours while Aiden finishes up practice and August eats dinner. Take the train home after practice. Get the boys showered, snacked up, hugged up, and in bed.

Breathe… for the first time since 5:30 in the morning. Glance at the clock. Crap. It’s after 10 and I’m beat. Beyond beat. Shower. Down a bowl of cereal. Get in the bed.

Crash.

Wake up the next morning.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Over and over again until I’m filled with so much stress and anger (towards everyone and everything) and resentment that the tears don’t even fall anymore.

Damn. This can’t be God’s plan for my life. (My therapist seems to think so too.)

I can’t take it anymore. Something’s gotta give. (My therapist seems to think so too.)

And so…

I made some drastic changes.

I re-hired my old nanny to help shuttle Aiden to and fro throughout the week. I started to send the laundry out instead of doing it myself. I put HEB on bedtime duty for August so that I could relax a little. And, most importantly, I didn’t feel guilty about any of those things.

I’m still busy and I’m still tired at the end of the day, but I have so much time and energy freed up from my schedule. There aren't as many "tabs" open in my head. And, most importantly, I’m no longer miserable.

And that’s what matters the most.    

Baby steps, y'all. Baby steps.